Revising Thesis
- Deeti Mitesh Shah
- Feb 19, 2023
- 2 min read
To revise my thesis between my initial thesis for the Thesis Questions and Discussion assignment and the GA Essay Working Draft #2 assignment, I looked at instructor comments, and further developed my essay and saw that some parts of the thesis should change. As per the instructor comments, I fixed a grammar mistake and made the message clearer so that the reader better understands it (for example, I used too many pronouns so I used specific nouns instead). After writing my essay, I decided that there was not enough evidence on the coming of age convention, a loss of innocence, so I decided to change which genre convention I looked at, and implemented this in the thesis as well so that it reflects my main argument.
Using a coming of age memoir genre convention, a loss of innocence, and a memoir convention, having an innocent and experienced voice, Grande shows that abandonment is a cycle, starting with one event, but possibly increasing with the ramifications that the receiver feels (Patty Payette, Silvernman). This leaves the person increasingly hurt, leaving them susceptible to more abandonment. With this message, Grande hopes to inform and persuade The Lunch Ticket readers that achieving the American Dream should not compromise families, so they should use their voices to enact their views when selecting the next president. | By using a coming of age genre convention, personal desire vs external circumstances and other expectations, and a memoir convention, having an innocent and experienced voice, Grande shows that abandonment is a cycle, starting with one event, but possibly increasing with the ramifications that the receiver feels (Patty Payette, Silverman). This type of abandonment leaves one increasingly hurt, leaving them susceptible to more abandonment. With this message, Grande hopes to inform and persuade The Lunch Ticket readers that achieving the American Dream should not compromise families, so they should use their voices to enact their views when selecting the next president. |
Original vs Revised Thesis
Original Thesis
Revised Thesis (Underlined)
The revised thesis includes the five necessary parts, and other important components. For example, it is not listing obvious facts, and has some intellectual interpretation, making it arguable. The thesis includes two specific genre conventions and a specific message and purpose for the audience, making it specific. The rest of the essay follows the order in which the thesis makes arguments, thus it is ordered. The thesis also connects genre conventions, message, and audience, making it sophisticated.
In revising, I learned one of the course objectives, analyzing how genre conventions allow for a specific audience reaction and message (course objectives). After revision, I made sure that there was enough evidence to connect the genre conventions to the message and audience. Beforehand, the genre conventions did not relate to the audience and message because there was not enough evidence in the text that I could find.
Revision is Necessary for Improvement
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